Monday, June 13, 2011

moving on.

so i've switched to sojourningwithwonder.wordpress.com, follow me there. :)

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Faith to Follow

Torn by the weight of indecision
The agony of choices not yet made
The restlessness of ambiguity
The ache of wanting to follow but not knowing how
The spirit within welling up and simmering down, repressed yet again
Heart resolute
Body determined
Yet mind confused, in a deep, thick fog.
Hands itching like a junky in detox,
Longing to do something—anything. But What?
“To have faith is to follow”
Like Peter our identity is defined by our call.
But what is your call oh God?
To follow you.
To feed your sheep.
To plead the case of the widow.
To defend the orphan.
To preach your Gospel of life at all times.
To lay down my life, in order to get it back.
To love, even when I am not loved in return.
To give, even when I feel I have nothing.
To press on, even when I do not think I have the strength to stand.
To know and to learn, even when my brain feels as if it will explode.
At all times pressing into you to fulfill my dirth.
To press my hands to the wounds, to call on your name for healing.
To live with Your wisdom, not that which has been taught to me by the movies, books or elders.
To live in the limbo, a constant state of being set apart, when every atom with in me longs, no demands, to be part of the centre.
To not let my mistakes detract or deceive me into believing that they actually have any effect on Your ability to use me.
To focus not on my lack, but on my plenty.
To realize the solid places between the gaps—the fullness not the emptiness.
To no longer define myself on what I hope or wish that he, or she, will think of me.
To not to find my desirability based on the fading warmth of another’s arms.
To cut against the grain that goes deep—even to my core—and to instead follow another pattern, the one that I was created for.
To no longer fear a furrowed brow or reproving glance, but to experience a feeling of fulfillment and, descending on me from above, your beloved.
To hear Your voice in every thought, echoing in my marrow that I am Yours.
And to know within the depth of my being that there is no better place to be.
To be the friend of the child, unmarred and full of joy.
And the friend of the prostitute, broken, hurting and full of a wisdom she wishes wasn't hers to know.
To be with the housewife, battered and bruised and wishing for something more.
To know that to walk away from my nets leads to nowhere less than the cross.
To understand that my friends, my family, my identity are nothing to boast of or to hold me back—but they are yours to begin with.
To know without a doubt that each good thing flows from You
And that you invite me to walk with you
To walk through the mire and the muck in your sure and steady footsteps
Oh Lord, give me strength.
To choose, day after day, hour after hour, to walk your humble path.
To choose the way of the cross--the way of LIFE, good and true.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

in a continued meditative state

In light of this phase of my life, and somewhat of an extension of the last post, I am going to share this poem. I find that the more decisions I have to make, and the more that I have to think about, in regards to this life and the future, I am continually, ever so gently yet persistently, inclined to not think about me. Rather to reflect yet again on Who it is that I have chosen to place my life, heart and trust in. Why the repetition? Because I am weak. And I so easily begin to think of myself. I begin to wonder about my needs and want to make sure my desires are met. And yet I feel, no I KNOW, that this should not be so. God does not call us to partial obedience and faith. But utter and complete devotion, and sacrifice.
So here is my latest poem, titled "You Are..." a reflection of more of my thoughts and meditations on the character of God.

You are bigger than I can imagine, yet more personal than I sometimes think
You are timeless and unchanging,
You are steady and sure in a world that moves too fast
You are the comforter and provider, though I often get distracted and lose my focus on you
You are right there, beside, behind and before me
You are aware of my inmost secrets
You are the one who planted your truth in my heart and let it take root
You are the one who has prepared the soil
You are not caught off guard by the things that come your way
You are not swayed
You are Love. Not a love that is cheap and fleeting, but steady and deep, unchanging
You are Love that was bought at a price
You see brokenness but not deterred
You desire restoration
You do not see us as finished products, but unfinished, ready to change and be made complete
You see the lost and your heart breaks for and with them
You are the master visionary, who gently invites me, limited and small as I am, to join you
You break down the lies that I tell myself
You use me, a jar of clay, breakable and finite, to reveal Your awesome glory
You desire to see us step forth and boldly share Your good news and help to others
You long to use us as tools of gentle healing for your children in need
You give us cause for joy
You instill us with Your passions and love to see them come to fruition
You are not the box I try to fit you in, a shape I do not know
You are at work in the market places, unencumbered by the guild and pressure of tradition
You are speaking, though I often cannot hear over the roar of my own selfishness
You are not hindered by my faithlessness, because--
You are faithful
You are strong and gentle
You are loving and just
You are limitless and unbound
You are a paradox, in a world of cheap tricks and easy lies
You are the one beckoning and calling, wooing me gently and persistently
You are at work in my heart, cleansing it and making me strong and whole
You are the Shepherd that guides, protects and directs me
You are full of joy and peace
You are singing over me as I walk on feeble legs, in Your sure and steady footprints.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Freaking Out....Feb 2010

In the midst of all my freaking out about the future, and mentally chastising myself, wondering "if only....." I am finding myself being asked who is it, that I am turning towards as I think about making this change. What am I basing my decision and future and hopes and dreams on? And I tell myself, I am doing it for God. Well if so, I think its important to re-frame myself. To re-orient my thinking. Who is God that am literally stepping away from a relatively comfortable life for? What are some of the things that I know, within the depths of my core, who He is? Things that though my mind is weak, my spirit is resolute, founded on a rock that cannot be shaken or torn asunder.

I'm a more linear thinker, so here is my list:

You have been/are and will be...

You are the creator and protector
You are the provider
You are unchained by time in the same way that my feeble mind and body pulsates with each ticking of the clock.
You are broader thinking than I can imagine
You know what has happened and what is to come
You are not flummoxed or confused
You do have my best interests at heart
You have the perfect plan
You have a place and calling for me
You do not demand but gently offer and invite
You act with purpose and deliberation
You joy over me, even when I'm frustrated
You usher in peace in the midst of all my chaos
You comprise a world of connections and relationships unfathomable to my mind
You are power and strength
You are meekness and mildness
You are ageless
You are modern and ancient
You are the ultimate paradox
You call me to follow, though you walk with
You enthrall and entertain
You calm and quiet my soul
You are the stubborn lover, demanding of my whole heart
You woo and pursue
You beckon and point directly
You do not desire my pain, but rather joy
You laugh when I laugh, and cry when I cry
You give me the tears to cry, when I cannot
You soften my heart and place a yearning in my soul
You desire good things for me, and for me to be an agent of change
You desire and call me to do good, in Your Name
You command and direct
You offer and wait
You work in your own time
You open doors
You close doors
You give with open hands
You wait
You wait


I am...

Feb 8, 2010

I am a restless vagabond, unsettled and unchained

I am a nomad, known to many, but known by few

I am a member of a family flung far and wide

I am the product of lives given for the sake of hope and respect

I am the chameleon, though my skin makes me often stand out--part of the fringe, yet part of the whole

I am neither here, nor there

I am part of a club without a name, its members united through transience

I am the Beloved of the Alpha and Omega, its etched on my skin and heart--and it has changed my life.

I am a restless vagabond, searching for a home, yet desperate to see what is next

I am convinced that the world is smaller than we think, possible because of connections of the heart which transcend borders without hesitation or delay

I am still young, though my road has been long

I am the native of majestic mountains, sandy beaches, dense jungles and war torn minefields

I am the friend of lepers, child brides and embassy kids alike

I am not the house that I usually present to strangers, but a blueprint of intricate details

I am the child of a leader and a gentle woman

I am the children of those who have laid down their lives and careers for those the world deemed worthless and has forgotten

I am a reader, though I come from a land where most cannot even spell their names

I am surrounded by a family of love and not just blood, a family that spans continents and time zones

I am not the sum of their assumptions, a predictable plot or scene

I am full of life and love and purpose, given by the only One who can

I am determined and ready

Sunday, February 22, 2009

ruminations on a letter i saw...

So I'll admit, I stole this from someone else' blog, but its been going around on facebook, so i dont really feel any guilt. I maintain that if its on facebook, its free game.
So, with all my friends settling down, either in serious dating relationships, or getting married, or thinking about beginning a family, it leaves me with even more time to think. Which isnt always a good thing, in my experience. Its totally true that you can over think certain things.
In any case. Here is the letter, a letter from God to his daughters.
"No man can ever claim you unless he claims you from Me.I reserved a man for you who has my heartand loves Me even more than he will love you.I won't give you unless he asks you from Me.Soon you will know him. I have the perfect time.You're My PRINCESS, my daughter.Let no prince claim you unless he asks you from My hand.For I am your Father, the KING of kings.You, my princess, are worth loving."

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Reconciliation

For the past 23 odd years, my life as been one constant stream of changes. Houses, countries, neighbours, friends, schools, teachers, pets, beds and a big part of me wonders if, as a result, the so called 'damage' done is irreversable, or do I just accept that and move on?

I know, without a doubt, that my (for lack of a better term) slow-to-warm-up tendencies stem from the natural guarding my heart. And I aknowledge that this has been a good thing, on the whole, after all I (and most MK's I know) are adaptable and versitile in that way.
But I cannot help but wonder when that guardedness becomes and actual hinderance in relationships and as we interface with new people.

So my question is this: how do we reconcile those parts of you?
The part that yearns, on a basic, basic level to be in community and to both give and recieve all that accompanies friendships. And that other, more dominant part that takes over and puts you in auto-pilot, protecting and yet hurting the other part. Can the two even reach a balance? For so much of my life, its been either one or the other.

I ask myself, when was the last time I was me, truly me, with all the messiness that comes along with who I am, and I really dont know. I think its been so long that I cannot remember.
So my prayer is this. That I would know who I am, and that I would take the chance and show that to others. Because there is no guarantee that you wont get hurt. Rather its rather inevitable is it not? Relationships are messy by definition almost. So you can ask yourself this then, is it worth the cost? I think I would have to say yes.