moving on.

so i've switched to sojourningwithwonder.wordpress.com, follow me there. :)

Faith to Follow

Torn by the weight of indecision
The agony of choices not yet made
The restlessness of ambiguity
The ache of wanting to follow but not knowing how
The spirit within welling up and simmering down, repressed yet again
Heart resolute
Body determined
Yet mind confused, in a deep, thick fog.
Hands itching like a junky in detox,
Longing to do something—anything. But What?
“To have faith is to follow”
Like Peter our identity is defined by our call.
But what is your call oh God?
To follow you.
To feed your sheep.
To plead the case of the widow.
To defend the orphan.
To preach your Gospel of life at all times.
To lay down my life, in order to get it back.
To love, even when I am not loved in return.
To give, even when I feel I have nothing.
To press on, even when I do not think I have the strength to stand.
To know and to learn, even when my brain feels as if it will explode.
At all times pressing into you to fulfill my dirth.
To press my hands to the wounds, to call on your name for healing.
To live with Your wisdom, not that which has been taught to me by the movies, books or elders.
To live in the limbo, a constant state of being set apart, when every atom with in me longs, no demands, to be part of the centre.
To not let my mistakes detract or deceive me into believing that they actually have any effect on Your ability to use me.
To focus not on my lack, but on my plenty.
To realize the solid places between the gaps—the fullness not the emptiness.
To no longer define myself on what I hope or wish that he, or she, will think of me.
To not to find my desirability based on the fading warmth of another’s arms.
To cut against the grain that goes deep—even to my core—and to instead follow another pattern, the one that I was created for.
To no longer fear a furrowed brow or reproving glance, but to experience a feeling of fulfillment and, descending on me from above, your beloved.
To hear Your voice in every thought, echoing in my marrow that I am Yours.
And to know within the depth of my being that there is no better place to be.
To be the friend of the child, unmarred and full of joy.
And the friend of the prostitute, broken, hurting and full of a wisdom she wishes wasn't hers to know.
To be with the housewife, battered and bruised and wishing for something more.
To know that to walk away from my nets leads to nowhere less than the cross.
To understand that my friends, my family, my identity are nothing to boast of or to hold me back—but they are yours to begin with.
To know without a doubt that each good thing flows from You
And that you invite me to walk with you
To walk through the mire and the muck in your sure and steady footsteps
Oh Lord, give me strength.
To choose, day after day, hour after hour, to walk your humble path.
To choose the way of the cross--the way of LIFE, good and true.

in a continued meditative state

In light of this phase of my life, and somewhat of an extension of the last post, I am going to share this poem. I find that the more decisions I have to make, and the more that I have to think about, in regards to this life and the future, I am continually, ever so gently yet persistently, inclined to not think about me. Rather to reflect yet again on Who it is that I have chosen to place my life, heart and trust in. Why the repetition? Because I am weak. And I so easily begin to think of myself. I begin to wonder about my needs and want to make sure my desires are met. And yet I feel, no I KNOW, that this should not be so. God does not call us to partial obedience and faith. But utter and complete devotion, and sacrifice.

So here is my latest poem, titled "You Are..." a reflection of more of my thoughts and meditations on the character of God.

You are bigger than I can imagine, yet more personal than I sometimes think

You are timeless and unchanging,

You are steady and sure in a world that moves too fast

You are the comforter and provider, though I often get distracted and lose my focus on you

You are right there, beside, behind and before me

You are aware of my inmost secrets

You are the one who planted your truth in my heart and let it take root

You are the one who has prepared the soil

You are not caught off guard by the things that come your way

You are not swayed

You are Love. Not a love that is cheap and fleeting, but steady and deep, unchanging

You are Love that was bought at a price

You see brokenness but not deterred

You desire restoration

You do not see us as finished products, but unfinished, ready to change and be made complete

You see the lost and your heart breaks for and with them

You are the master visionary, who gently invites me, limited and small as I am, to join you

You break down the lies that I tell myself

You use me, a jar of clay, breakable and finite, to reveal Your awesome glory

You desire to see us step forth and boldly share Your good news and help to others

You long to use us as tools of gentle healing for your children in need

You give us cause for joy

You instill us with Your passions and love to see them come to fruition

You are not the box I try to fit you in, a shape I do not know

You are at work in the market places, unencumbered by the guild and pressure of tradition

You are speaking, though I often cannot hear over the roar of my own selfishness

You are not hindered by my faithlessness, because--

You are faithful

You are strong and gentle

You are loving and just

You are limitless and unbound

You are a paradox, in a world of cheap tricks and easy lies

You are the one beckoning and calling, wooing me gently and persistently

You are at work in my heart, cleansing it and making me strong and whole

You are the Shepherd that guides, protects and directs me

You are full of joy and peace

You are singing over me as I walk on feeble legs, in Your sure and steady footprints.

Freaking Out....Feb 2010

In the midst of all my freaking out about the future, and mentally chastising myself, wondering "if only....." I am finding myself being asked who is it, that I am turning towards as I think about making this change. What am I basing my decision and future and hopes and dreams on? And I tell myself, I am doing it for God. Well if so, I think its important to re-frame myself. To re-orient my thinking. Who is God that am literally stepping away from a relatively comfortable life for? What are some of the things that I know, within the depths of my core, who He is? Things that though my mind is weak, my spirit is resolute, founded on a rock that cannot be shaken or torn asunder.

I'm a more linear thinker, so here is my list:

You have been/are and will be...

You are the creator and protector

You are the provider

You are unchained by time in the same way that my feeble mind and body pulsates with each ticking of the clock.

You are broader thinking than I can imagine

You know what has happened and what is to come

You are not flummoxed or confused

You do have my best interests at heart

You have the perfect plan

You have a place and calling for me

You do not demand but gently offer and invite

You act with purpose and deliberation

You joy over me, even when I'm frustrated

You usher in peace in the midst of all my chaos

You comprise a world of connections and relationships unfathomable to my mind

You are power and strength

You are meekness and mildness

You are ageless

You are modern and ancient

You are the ultimate paradox

You call me to follow, though you walk with

You enthrall and entertain

You calm and quiet my soul

You are the stubborn lover, demanding of my whole heart

You woo and pursue

You beckon and point directly

You do not desire my pain, but rather joy

You laugh when I laugh, and cry when I cry

You give me the tears to cry, when I cannot

You soften my heart and place a yearning in my soul

You desire good things for me, and for me to be an agent of change

You desire and call me to do good, in Your Name

You command and direct

You offer and wait

You work in your own time

You open doors

You close doors

You give with open hands

You wait

You wait

I am...

Feb 8, 2010

I am a restless vagabond, unsettled and unchained

I am a nomad, known to many, but known by few

I am a member of a family flung far and wide

I am the product of lives given for the sake of hope and respect

I am the chameleon, though my skin makes me often stand out--part of the fringe, yet part of the whole

I am neither here, nor there

I am part of a club without a name, its members united through transience

I am the Beloved of the Alpha and Omega, its etched on my skin and heart--and it has changed my life.

I am a restless vagabond, searching for a home, yet desperate to see what is next

I am convinced that the world is smaller than we think, possible because of connections of the heart which transcend borders without hesitation or delay

I am still young, though my road has been long

I am the native of majestic mountains, sandy beaches, dense jungles and war torn minefields

I am the friend of lepers, child brides and embassy kids alike

I am not the house that I usually present to strangers, but a blueprint of intricate details

I am the child of a leader and a gentle woman

I am the children of those who have laid down their lives and careers for those the world deemed worthless and has forgotten

I am a reader, though I come from a land where most cannot even spell their names

I am surrounded by a family of love and not just blood, a family that spans continents and time zones

I am not the sum of their assumptions, a predictable plot or scene

I am full of life and love and purpose, given by the only One who can

I am determined and ready

ruminations on a letter i saw...

So I'll admit, I stole this from someone else' blog, but its been going around on facebook, so i dont really feel any guilt. I maintain that if its on facebook, its free game.
So, with all my friends settling down, either in serious dating relationships, or getting married, or thinking about beginning a family, it leaves me with even more time to think. Which isnt always a good thing, in my experience. Its totally true that you can over think certain things.
In any case. Here is the letter, a letter from God to his daughters.
"No man can ever claim you unless he claims you from Me.I reserved a man for you who has my heartand loves Me even more than he will love you.I won't give you unless he asks you from Me.Soon you will know him. I have the perfect time.You're My PRINCESS, my daughter.Let no prince claim you unless he asks you from My hand.For I am your Father, the KING of kings.You, my princess, are worth loving."

Reconciliation

For the past 23 odd years, my life as been one constant stream of changes. Houses, countries, neighbours, friends, schools, teachers, pets, beds and a big part of me wonders if, as a result, the so called 'damage' done is irreversable, or do I just accept that and move on?

I know, without a doubt, that my (for lack of a better term) slow-to-warm-up tendencies stem from the natural guarding my heart. And I aknowledge that this has been a good thing, on the whole, after all I (and most MK's I know) are adaptable and versitile in that way.
But I cannot help but wonder when that guardedness becomes and actual hinderance in relationships and as we interface with new people.

So my question is this: how do we reconcile those parts of you?
The part that yearns, on a basic, basic level to be in community and to both give and recieve all that accompanies friendships. And that other, more dominant part that takes over and puts you in auto-pilot, protecting and yet hurting the other part. Can the two even reach a balance? For so much of my life, its been either one or the other.

I ask myself, when was the last time I was me, truly me, with all the messiness that comes along with who I am, and I really dont know. I think its been so long that I cannot remember.
So my prayer is this. That I would know who I am, and that I would take the chance and show that to others. Because there is no guarantee that you wont get hurt. Rather its rather inevitable is it not? Relationships are messy by definition almost. So you can ask yourself this then, is it worth the cost? I think I would have to say yes.